Funny Christmas Quotes – Funny Christmas Quotes For Cards

funny Christmas quotes

FUNNY CHRISTMAS QUOTES

Funny Christmas quotes are a collection of epic quotes. Eighty-four days more to go and it is Christmas. Despite the fact that it is two months away, we never neglect to make a commencement when September begins. A few of us are now beginning some Shopping for Christmas presents while some are as of now adapting new Christmas formulas to cook for Nochebuena. This day happens once in a year that is the reason it is essential to praise it with our family, companions, and extraordinary somebody. In spite of the fact that, we can simply feel the soul of Christmas whenever of the year by living with the soul of giving and adoring. As we sit tight for the most anticipated day of the year, we have gathered motivational Christmas cites you can partake ahead of time to anybody.

funny Christmas quotes

Funny Christmas quotes

Funny Christmas Quotes

  • “What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”-Don Marquis

  • “Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts]….If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh’s body would be covered only by scotch tape.”-Dave Barry

  • “As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.”- Andy Borowitz

  • “I was going to exchange my brother one time after Christmas, but my mom would never tell me where he came from”.- Melanie White

  • “The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn’t the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack.”- John Cleese

  • “I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.”- Bridger Winegar

  • “There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made out of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.”-P.J. O’Rourke

  • “There’s something about Christmas that’s magical. Money just seems to disappear into thin air.”- Melanie White

  • “Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.”- Erma Bombeck

Christmas Quotes Funny

  • “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”– Garrison Keillor

  • The Supreme Court ruled against having a nativity scene in Washington DC. This was not for religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.– Jay Leno

  • “Thank goodness Christmas is a state of mind. I’d hate for it to be the state of my bank account.”– Melanie White

  • “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”– Phyllis Diller

  • “My Christmas wish is to spend more time unwrapping presents than I do untangling lights.”– Melanie White

  • “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”– Henny Youngman

  • “You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.”– Andy Borowitz

  • “Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.”– Dave Barry

  • “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”– Jerry Seinfeld

  • “Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a “religious” meaning.”– Andy Borowitz

 

Christmas Quotes Funny

  • “I’m extremely sentimental about Christmas, actually. Every Christmas I still take my socks off and stand them in front of the fireplace.”– Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise

  • “I forget the derivation of Boxing Day, but the feeling of wanting to invite your loved ones outside one at a time and punch them in the face, does that come into it somewhere?”– Allison Pearson

    “Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It’s unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief. It’s insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it.”– Lewis Black

  • “The Christmas bonus I’m hoping for this year is not to get laid off.”– Melanie White

 

funny Christmas quotes

Funny Christmas quotes

        Funny Christmas Quotes

  • “My son, Rob….said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, “if it’s such a poor gift that I don’t want to be there when the person opens it.””– Dave Barry

  • “Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It’s unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief. It’s insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it.”– Lewis Black

  • “It’s my new single — please buy it so we can get Christmas gifts for the kids this year.”– Stevie Wonder

  • “I get the same thing for Christmas every year – deeper in debt”.– Melanie White

  • “In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!'”– Dave Barry

 

Merry Christmas Funny Quotes

  • “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”– Andy Borowitz

  • “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”– Victor Borge

  • “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”– Melanie White

  • “There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?”-Conan O’Brien

  • “Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”– Dave Barry

  • “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”– Bridger Winegar

  • “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”– Winston Spear

  • “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.”-Robert Godden

  • “This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.”– Guy Endore Kaiser

  • “The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: “Some assembly required.””– John Leo

  • “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” –Kin Hubbard

  • “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’”-Bernard Manning

  • “What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”– Don Marquis

  • “I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.”– Bridger Winegar

 

Merry Christmas Funny Quotes

  • “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”-Johnny Carson
  • “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”-Johnny Carson
  • “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”– Garrison Keillor
  • “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”– Henny Youngman
  • “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”– Jerry Seinfeld
  • “Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.”– Lenore Hershey
  • “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”-Larry Wilde
  • “For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!”– Anne Bristow

 

  • funny Christmas quotes

    funny Christmas quotes

Funny Christmas Quotes

  • “Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.”– Catherine Tate

  • “Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”– Arlo Guthrie

  • “Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.”-Ellen DeGeneres

  • “Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”– Richard Lamm

  • “Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.”– Tom Sims

  • “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”– Joan Rivers

  • “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”-Johnny Carson

  • “Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.”– Author Unknown

  • “I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”– Steven Wright

  • “Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.”– Sean Hughes

  • “There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”-Erma Bombeck

 

Christmas Quotes Funny
  • “Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.”– Wendy Cope

  • “Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.”– Alan Bradley

  • “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”– Author Unknown

  • “I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.”– Fred Rogers

  • “‘Elf’ has become this big holiday movie, and I remember running around the streets of New York in tights saying, ‘This could be the last movie I ever make,’ and I could never have predicted that it’d become such a popular film.”– Will Ferrell

  • “Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.”– Frank McKinney Hubbard

  • “One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.”-Louis C.K.

 

Christmas Quotes Funny 
  • “As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.”– Donald E. Westlake
  • “Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.”– Author Unknown
  • “A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.”– Author Unknown

    funny Christmas quotes

    funny Christmas quotes

Funny Christmas Quotes

  • One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.”-Andy Rooney

  • “The magi, as you know, were wise men — wonderfully wise men who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents.”– O. Henry

  • “Wretched excess is an unfortunate human trait that turns a perfectly good idea such as Christmas into a frenzy of last-minute shopping.”– Jon Anderson

  • “Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.”– Harlan Miller

  • “One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.”-Grace Kriley

Merry Christmas Quotes Funny
  • “Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.”– Author Unknown

  • “Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s.’ I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do.”– Jon Stewart

  • “I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.”– Author Unknown

  • “The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”– Jay Leno

Funny Christmas Quotes
  • “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.”– Shirley Temple
  • “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?”– Matt Groening
  • “Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.”-Carol Nelson
  • “Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”– Tom Armstrong

 

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