Funny Quotes And Sayings – Funny Sayings And Quotes About Life

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes and Sayings are ideal for getting a little bit of humor into our way of life. They assist to lighten the atmosphere, they’re good for taking the first step, not to mention, they’re fun to see buddies. In the end, as Victor Borge once stated, “Laughter may be the shortest distance between a couple.Inches

Probably the most entertaining quotes, within our opinion, are individuals that aren’t only witty, but additionally wise – conveying some universal truth. Funny Quotes And Sayings about existence, love, and friendship – individuals that people can connect with – are specifically comical. Kurt Vonnegut once quipped, “The best jokes are harmful, and harmful since they’re in some manner truthful.”

Within this listing of Funny Quotes and Sayings are worth laughing over, we’ve attempted to incorporate a zinger for everybody, whether it’s an insightful quotation, a unique saying, or perhaps an ironic wisecrack.

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

  • If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me

  • Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.

  • Don’t know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they’ll show up quickly

  • I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect.

  • A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

  • As your best friend, I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.

  • “Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.” ― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

  • “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”

  • “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” ― Phyllis Diller

  • “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” ― George Carlin

  • “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” ― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously… I’m Kidding

  • “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” ― Mark Twain

  • “It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” ― Marilyn Monroe

  • “They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.” ― John Green, Looking for Alaska

  • “Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.” ― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

  • “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” ― Cathy Guisewite

Funny Life Quotes & Sayings

  • “Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.” ― Albert Einstein

  • “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” ― Winston S. Churchill

  • “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” ― Jerry Seinfeld

  • “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

  • “That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.” ― George Carlin

  • “Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.” ― Golda Meir

  • “I thought I’d lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,” he grunted, “It relaxes me.” “It does? Oh – you’re being sarcastic. That’s a good sign probably.”

  • “A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.” ― Bill Cosby

  • “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” ― Lawrence Ferlinghetti

  • “Can you be a girl for a few seconds?” “I’m always a girl” I frown. “You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl” I twirl my hair around my finger. “Kay.” ― Veronica Roth, Divergent

  • “I don’t hate you… I just don’t like that you exist” ― Gena Showalter, Seduce the Darkness

  • “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ― Will Rogers

  • “But Dumbledore says he doesn’t care what they do as long as they don’t take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Funny Sayings & Quotes

  • “What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

  • “She’s strong! And scary…I bet she’s single…I’d put money on it..” ― Masashi Kishimoto, Naruto, Vol. 18: Tsunade’s Choice

  • “Don’t put your wand there, boy! … Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

  • “Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?” All the time.” ― Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life

  • “Puns are the highest form of literature.” ― Alfred Hitchcock

  • “Perv.” He pointed to himself. “Male and eighteen. What’s your point?” ― Rachel Caine, Midnight Alley

  • “What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.” ― Gena Showalter, Oh My Goth

  • “Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.” ― Robert Benchley

  • “Don’t gobble funk around with words.” ― Roald Dahl, The BFG

  • “I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.” ― Lauren Myracle

  • “aren’t you, uh… reproducing? “Sure, we love reproducing it’s one of our favorite things.” 

  • “Inconceivable!” “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” ― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

  • “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ― Isaac Asimov

  • “Can I come in? No! I’m in a towel! I’m blind!” ― James Patterson

     

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

  • “Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

  • “Why it’s simply impossible! Alice: Why, don’t you mean impossible? Door: No, I do mean impossible. (chuckles) Nothing’s impossible!” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

  • “You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!” ― James Dashner, The Maze Runner

  • “You…you got rid of that dress fast,” I pointed out between heavy breaths. “I thought you liked it.” “I do like it,” he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. “I love it.” And then he took me to the bed.” 

  • “This is my depressed stance. When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better. If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this.” ― Charles M. Schulz

  • “You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!” ― Lauren Myracle

  • “A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned” ― Benjamin Franklin

  • “Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long. Good things come to those who wait.” ― Jess C. Scott, The Intern

  • “A ghostly smile flickered across his face. “If you weren’t so psychotic, you’d be fun to hang around.” “Funny, I feel that way about you too.” He didn’t say anything else, but the smile grew, and he walked away.” 

Funny Life Quotes & Sayings

  • “Remind me,” he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, “to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?”― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

  • “Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed! ”― Hergé, The Shooting Star

  • “Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.”― Laurell K. Hamilton, Burnt Offerings

  • “Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.”― Pseudonymous Bosch, The Name of This Book Is Secret

  • “I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman!”― C. JoyBell C.

  • “The human body is the best work of art.”

  • “She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades’s gym shorts.”― Rick Riordan, The Titan’s Curse

  • “If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up.”― Charlaine Harris, Dead to the World

  • “That sounds terrific, though Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.”

  • “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.”― Rodney Dangerfield

  • “Ah, coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today’s tasks.”― Holly Black, Ironside

Funny Sayings & Quotes

  • “Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can’t help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.”― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

  • “A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement”

  • “If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”― Steven Wright

  • “Ethan Wyeth: I hope you’re thirsty.”Gideon Wyeth:”Why?”Ethan: “Cause you’re dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.”― Orson Scott Card

  • “She’s cute, I thought, but you don’t need to like a girl who treats you like you’re ten: You’ve already got a mom.”― John Green, Looking for Alaska

  • “I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?”

  • “I am your Prince and you will marry me,” Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, “I am your servant and I refuse.”“I am your Prince and you cannot refuse.”“I am your loyal servant and I just did.”“Refusal means death.”“Kill me then.”― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

  • “How is it possible to have a civil war?”― George Carlin

  • “Cultivate your curves – they may be dangerous but they won’t be avoided.”― Mae West

  • “Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.”

  • “When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”― Lily Tomlin

  • “When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”― Bill Watterson

     

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

  • “Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”― Henny Youngman

  • “Adrian, I’m on a date. Why are you here? On my car?”

  • “What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.”― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

  • “I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.”― Jon Stewart

  • “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”― Groucho Marx

  • “Scoot over, man. I don’t like you that much.”“Dick. That’s not what you said last night.”“Bite me.”― Rachel Caine, Glass Houses

  • “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”― Woody Allen

  • “Your email could’ve waited.” Daemon followed me into the kitchen. “What is it? Just books?”Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn’t heart books didn’t understand.”― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Onyx

  • “V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one,” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.”

  • “Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted makeup.”― Marian Keyes, Watermelon

  • “A real girl isn’t perfect and a perfect girl isn’t real.”― Harry Styles

  • “Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?”― Becca Fitzpatrick, Crescendo

Funny Life Quotes & Sayings
  • “A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself and hates them for it.”― George Bernard Shaw

  • “I’ve had great success being a total idiot. ”― Jerry Lewis

  • “She didn’t care that people called her a bitch. ‘It’s just another word for feminist,’ she told me with pride.”― Gayle Forman, If I Stay

  • “The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I’d be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.”― Rachel Vincent, Stray

Funny Quotes And Sayings
Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

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