Want to spread happiness with some of the best Birthday Jokes , looking inside all of the birthday cards to find the right one, prefer to send an e-Card to your friend on his or her special day, or even like making your own, there are many different ways you can make a message that is just the right to wish well for your friend.
BIRTHDAY JOKES
Boyfriend: How come you didn’t get me a present for my birthday?! -Girlfriend: Well, you did tell me to surprise you.
Knock-knock! Who’s there?
Abby!
Abby who?
Abby Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday. Soon you can laugh, sneeze, cough and pee at the same time.
From a certain age, birthdays are like a reverse countdown.
Patient: Doctor, I get a strong stinging feeling in my eyes every time I eat a birthday cake.” Doctor: Next time, blow out the candles.
You know you are getting old when you start getting birthday cards from your orthopedist.
Honey, you really don’t have to do the dishes on your birthday. Do it tomorrow.
Your upcoming birthday reminds me of the words of the old Chinese scholar: Yung No Mo
Thank you, grandpa. The violin you gave me for my last birthday already brought me a lot of money. -Really? You play so well?-Not at all. But mom and dad give me money to stop playing.
I wanted to make you a rum cake for your birthday. But now I am drunk and I’ve just eaten the cake.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Erma Bombeck
The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills. Richard J. Needham
BIRTHDAY JOKES 2017
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don’t really know.
Andy Borowitz
Birthdays are a great time to stop and appreciate gravity. Sure, it makes things sag as you get older, but it also keeps your cake from flying all over the room so you don’t have to chase it. Greg Tamblyn
The number one cause of death is too many birthdays. Anonymous
It’s easier to remember your age if you don’t change it every year Anonymous
I’ve got everything I had 20 years ago, except now it’s all lower. Gypsy Rose Lee
Age is a relative term. All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am. Melanie White
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake. Even if it is no one’s birthday. They don’t even check. Minor Irritation @brettminor
Gave my co-worker the Heimlich maneuver. Proving once again I’m no good at birthday gifts. Jamie Tighe @thejamietighe
Middle age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock. Ronald Reagan
Middle age is when your old classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don’t recognize you Bennet Cerf
Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you. Ogden Nash
When you hit middle age, getting to second base is mainly just feeling each other for lumps. -Anonymous
I’m at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over. It’s the law.Andry H’Tims @Thing_Finder
TOP BIRTHDAY JOKES
Little Jimmy was shouting out a prayer for his birthday. “Please God, all I want for my birthday is a new X-Box. Thank you.”
His mom walked in and said, “Jimmy, why all the shouting? God isn’t deaf.” “I know,” said Jimmy. “But Grandpa is.”
A husband and his wife were out shopping. The wife suddenly remembered that her mother’s birthday was coming up. She said, “Honey, can we look around for a birthday present for mom? She wants something electric.”The husband replied, “Sure, honey. How about a chair?”
I’ve been asked to pose for Penthouse on my 100th birthday. Everybody is going to be sorry. Dolly Parton
Happy birthday Cher! For your birthday, I’m sending you a DVD of my favorite movie about a talking pig. I got youBabe Ellen DeGeneres
Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. Ellen DeGeneres
You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party. Melanie White
How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was? Satchel Paige
Birthdays really take the cake . . . and add it to your stomach. Melanie White
They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much. Malcolm Cowley
The first fact about the celebration of a birthday is that it is a way of affirming defiantly, and even flamboyantly, that it is a good thing to be alive. K. Chesterton
Having a birthday is a lot better than not having one. Anonymous
Happy Birthday! You’re now living proof of the old saying that “Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.”
BIRTHDAY JOKES
What birthday gift will most offend a state employee? -A motion detector.
Pamela says on her 16th birthday: Daddy, don’t you think I’m old enough to get my drivers license
-Father replies You – yes. Our car – no.
All the best for your birthday. May you live to be at least 95 and die happy and satisfied in a warm bed, shot by a jealous husband.
Signs you are getting older: You have to scroll down a lot before hitting your age in an online form.
Little Johnny: Mummy, when was I born? -Mummy: 20th of April.-Little Johnny: Wow, what a coincidence. It is the exact date when I have my birthday.
You’ve really made it if you become more than 100 years old. Statistically, there are very few people over 100 that die.
Is it getting warmer here or is it all the candles on your birthday cake?
Many years have passed since the world saw your smile for the first time. Many years.
Today you broke a world record. You’ve never been as old as you are now. Happy Birthday.
Wow, you survived another year. Happy birthday.
I don’t know what is with the youth today. No manners. They turn 16 and go on stupid wild parties while forgetting their mothers’ 30th birthday
Happy birthday. In dog years, you’re dead.
Honey, what do you wish for your birthday? -I want a divorce.-Sorry, I wasn’t intending to spend that much.
Q: Why are you cutting the cake with a chisel?
A: Because it’s marble cake.
ALL-TIME FAVORITE BIRTHDAY JOKES
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan a piece of your cake!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Freddy.
Freddy who?
Freddy to open your presents!
Q: Why did the man act wild and crazy on his birthday?
A: He was trying to age disgracefully.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Omar.
Omar who?
Omar goodness! Your present escaped!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Matty.
Matty who?
Matty nice of you to invite me to the party! BIRTHDAY JOKES
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mark.
Mark who?
Mark your calendars… my birthday’s just around the corner!
The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet…
Did you hear about the time Eddy’s sister tried to make a birthday cake? The candles melted in the oven.
Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.It’s not about age, it’s about attitude.
When I was a child my family was so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. “Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”. That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
If there are 23 people in a room, there’s a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday (it’s been proven mathematically).
What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays.
BIRTHDAY JOKES | WISHES
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
A well-adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday but even knows what she’s going to exchange it for.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. – Lucille Ball
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. – Jennifer Yane
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. – Robert Frost BIRTHDAY JOKES
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip!
You were born an original. Don’t die a copy. – John Mason
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. – Bob Hope
Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.
It’s been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you.
A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?” She said, “I’d love to be ten again.” On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then the were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!
BIRTHDAY JOKES | MESSAGES
Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn’t you?
Fred: I couldn’t find one big enough for your nose.
When is your birthday? 17th January. What year? Every year!
Grandma, is it exciting being 99? It certainly is! If I wasn’t 99 I’d be dead. “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Next time, take off the candles.” Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. “Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.” So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. BIRTHDAY JOKES
Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, “A bottle of wine?” His employees replied, “No.”
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. “A bottle of scotch?” “His employees replied again, “No.” Finally, the boss asked, “I give up. What is it?” His workers responded, “A puppy.”
You Know Your Old When: You and your teeth don’t sleep together. People call at 9 p.m. and ask,
BIRTHDAY JOKES
“Did I wake you?” You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…” The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style. Things you buy now won’t wear out. When happy hour is a nap. When you can’t remember how old you are You sing along with the elevator music. You wear black socks with sandals. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going. I much prefer being over the hill to being under it. – Bruce Lansky
BIRTHDAY JOKES | Q&A
Q: What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don’t know, but you’d better hope he likes it!
“Did you go shopping for my birthday present?” Yeah, and I found the perfect thing.” “What thing is that?” “Nothing!” “My birthday’s coming” Do you know what I need?” “Yeah, but how do you wrap a life?”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Q: When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? A: When it’s been sliced.
Q: How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday? A: He has a whale of a party! BIRTHDAY JOKES
Q: What did the birthday balloon say to the pin? A: “Hi, Buster.”
Q: What did one candle say to the other? A: “Don’t birthdays burn you up?”
Q: Why couldn’t prehistoric man send birthday cards? A: The stamps kept falling off the rocks!
Q: Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? A: In a catalog!
Q: What did the big candle say to the little candle? A: “You’re too young to go out.”
Q: Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? A: Because it was marble cake!
Q: What does a clam do on his birthday? A: He shell braces!
BIRTHDAY JOKES | Q&A
Q: How can you tell that you’re getting old?
A: You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
Q: What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? A: Angel food cake, of course!
Q: What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake? A: Shortcake!
Q: What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow? A: A birthday pheasant!
Man 1: “I got my wife a VCP for her birthday.” Man 2: “Don’t you mean a VCR?” Man 1: “No, a VCP … Very Cheap Present!”
Q: Where does a snowman put his birthday candles? A: On his birthday flake!
Q: What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? A: Mice cream and cake!
Q: What party game do rabbits like to play? A: Musical Hares.
He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is someone who keeps track of your age! BIRTHDAY JOKES
Q: Why won’t anyone eat the dogs birthday cake? A: Because he always slobbers out the candles!
Do you think my skin is starting to show its age?”“I can’t tell. There are too many wrinkles.” “I’m giving a ‘surprise’ birthday party for you.” “A ‘surprised’. birthday party? What’s that?” “That’s where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I’ll be surprised!”
Q: What’s the best way to find out an elephant’s age? A: Check his driver’s license.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant’s been to your birthday party? A: Look for his footprints in the ice cream.
Q: What are your two favorite times to party? A: Daytime and night-time!
SPECIAL BIRTHDAY JOKES
Q: Why did the fat monster put a candle on his tummy?
A: He was celebrating his birthday!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Jimmy. Jimmy who? Jimmy some ice cream and cake! I’m starving!
Q; What usually comes after the monster lights the birthday candles? A: The fire department.
Q: What does the hungry monster get after he’s eaten too much ice cream? A: More ice cream!
Q: What’s the difference between a dim monster and a birthday candle? A: The candle is a thousand times brighter!
“Were any famous men born on your birthday?” “No, only little babies.” For his birthday the monster asked for a heavy sweater. So they gave him a sumo wrestler!
Q: Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday? A: Because people kept toasting him!
Cat: “What did you get him for his birthday?” Dog: “Pant . . . pant!” Cat: “Great . . . he needs a pair of pants!”
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Mark. Mark who? Mark your calendars . . . my birthday’s just around the corner!
Q: What do you always get on your birthday? A: Another year older!
Q: Why did you buy me a pair of bunny ears? A: I wanted you to have a hoppy birthday!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Wanda. Wanda who? Wanda wish you a happy birthday!
Q: Why did the monster put the cake in the freezer? A: Because he had been told to ice it.
BIRTHDAY JOKES FOR FRIEND
Q: Why does the monster act wild and crazy on his birthday A: He’s trying to age disgracefully!
Q: Why was the monster standing on his head at the birthday party? A: He heard they were having upside-down cake
Q: What does a basketball player do before he blows out his candles? A: He makes a swish!
Q: What is your favorite type of present? A: Another present!
Q: How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday? A: He has a whale of a party!
“When’s your birthday?” “July 23.” “What year?” “Every year!”
Q: What did the birthday balloon say to the pin? A: “Hi, Buster.”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ben. Ben who? Ben over and get your birthday bumps!
Q: Why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer? A: Because you said it was pound cake!
Q: Why did Davy Crockett always wear a coonskin cap? A: It was a birthday present from his wife!
Q: What was the average age of a cave man? A: Stone Age!
FEW MORE BIRTHDAY JOKES
Q: What goes up and never comes down? A: Your age!
Q: Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one? A: No, they both burn shorter!
Q: What do you say to a cow on her birthday?
A: Happy Birthday to Moo!
Q: What do you say to a cat on her birthday?
A: Happy birthday to mew!
Q: When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? A: When it’s been sliced.
Knock Knock! Who’s there? Gus. Gus who? Gus how old I am today!
